Understanding intimacy and sex after baby

Bringing a new life into the world is an incredible experience, one filled with joy, wonder, and a fair share of challenges. As you and your partner embark on this new journey into parenthood, it's natural to notice changes in your relationship, especially when it comes to intimacy, connection, and sex. The demands of caring for a newborn, coupled with physical and emotional adjustments, can make it difficult to maintain the closeness you once shared. But understanding these changes and finding new ways to connect and communicate can help you navigate this transition together, ensuring that your bond remains strong even as you adapt to your new roles as parents.

We brought together a multidisciplinary group of experts who specialize in postpartum sex and intimacy to discuss how new moms and birthing people can rediscover connection and intimacy with their partners.  Dr. Lyndsey Harper, MD, FACOG & Founder of Rosy Wellness, Dr. Melissa Dennis, MD, FACOG & Chief Medical Officer at Partum Health and Dr. Bridget Abraham, DPT, Pelvic Physical Therapist at Genesis PT & Wellness joined us for a very real conversation on what to expect during the part of the journey that no one really talks about. Read on for our top 5 takeaways.

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How to talk to your partner about sex after baby

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It’s important to talk to your partner early and often. Try something like this to start the conversation: “I read an article about how a lot of women are not ready to have sex 6 weeks after delivering. I’m having some brain swirl about it. What do you think about that?”  

You can use the fact that you’re reading this right now as the opportunity to start the conversation with your partner–before or after you deliver. 

When can I start to have sex after baby?

Everyone has heard that the 6 week check up is when you can get the greenlight to have sex with your partner postpartum. But it is totally normal to not feel ready even if you get that green light. 

The green light is only the “Vagina Readiness Test,” as Dr. Harper put it. There’s so much more to it.  You may have dryness, you may have pain with sex, you may not emotionally feel ready–and the sooner you can talk to your partner about what you might go through (or are already going through) the better they can support you. Most people don’t have this conversation prenatally, but our experts encourage it. 

What if I'm not ready?

As Dr. Harper says, “Just like there's communication about how we manage money, how we’re going to discipline our kiddos, whether or not to sleep train, it’s important to get on the same page about sexual desire at any given phase of your relationship. It’s not abnormal to have lots of conversations about these things, and that’s the healthy way to do it. Setting the groundwork for honoring both people’s needs in the relationship can go a long way to building back what you had before–or a different, better version.  Unlock the next level.”

Dr. Abraham adds one important thing to remember postpartum: “Take the words should and have to OFF the table. You need to focus on getting back to your needs as a human. Get the basics down: making sure we have enough rest, enough water, not being in pain. Take care of all of that before getting back to sex.”

Intimacy and Sex will be different post baby

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“Orgasms might be different. Stimulation that worked before might be different after. Don’t be worried by that. The nerves have been through a delivery and are going to respond differently,” says Dr. Dennis. 

A pelvic physical therapist (PT) can help you work through whatever is happening in your body. “We have patients who come in with diminished orgasms, but we can get them screaming,” added Dr. Abraham.

And, if you’re part of a heterosexual couple, you don’t have to focus on “penis & vagina sex.” Intimacy can show up in many ways, and it’s critical to maintain open lines of communication with your partner (see point 1 above). It is common to be “touched out” after caring for a baby all day (and night). Help your partner understand where your head is at. For example, if you’re uncomfortable with your lactating breasts, you could wear a bra or tank top, but tell your partner where your boundaries are. Or you can start small with seemingly little things, like holding hands or paying attention to making eye contact when you're talking. You might be surprised by how much that helps you re-establish your connection. Remember: different doesn’t have to mean worse. 

Will sex be painful after baby?

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Sex can be painful after you deliver (even if you’ve passed that “Vagina Readiness Test”), but preparation is crucial. Hormonal changes postpartum, specifically the lack of estrogen, can make the vagina feel dry, almost like that of a postmenopausal woman. But Dr. Dennis says  it’s super important to prepare for intimacy, even when you’re emotionally ready, to make sure it’s not physically uncomfortable. “Because if something hurts, you don’t want to do it, which can, in turn, make it hurt again…and you’ll enter this  vicious cycle of decreased libido and pain with sex that go hand-in-hand. Breaking that feedback cycle is important, as is prevention in whatever way we can both mentally and physically prepare,” says Dr. Dennis. 

Lube is safe to use during penetrative sex if dryness is an issue and an emphasis on foreplay can help signal to your hormones that sex is coming. Do what you can to get in the mood and stay in the mood, and your partner may even find your interest inspiring. 

“Pain is a signal that something is wrong. Let’s go after that signal with curiosity over criticism,” says Dr Abraham. Slow things down in the moment if sex is painful, regroup, communicate openly so you and your partner feel safe and secure in bed. 

Where to get help

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A pelvic PT can work miracles–physically AND emotionally. They can offer devoted time to help you prepare for delivery, using manual techniques to help you understand how to lengthen and relax your pelvic floor muscles, which is exactly what you need. A PT  can also help you with positioning pre-delivery.

After delivery, there’s so much that can be done to help you recover. It could be working on motility in the tissue, the connection between emotion and physical posture, reestablishing a connection with  your body, tackling any pain or dysfunction, such as bladder leakage. And don’t assume that you only need PT if you’ve delivered vaginally. A c-section is major surgery that require PT, as well. 

Dr. Abraham focuses on the mind-body connection, as well. “I’ll often have a patient look at her body. Look at her vulva or her c-section scar. Re-establish that connection with her body and herself before she can re-establish that connection with her partner,” she says.

“Safety is not something we usually have postpartum. We are fearful about so much during this time–fearful to work out, to have sex, to do a lot of things. And we need to create safety before we can have sex.”

Proactive is powerful when it comes to intimacy post baby

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For many women, intimacy is complicated: it’s physical, it’s emotional, it’s mental, and it’s all of those things interconnected. It is helpful to meet with a team of practitioners before you deliver so that you have the support you need post baby. 

With mental health, you want to establish a relationship with a provider so that if you are struggling postpartum, it’s much easier to get help right away. She can also help you figure out how to have these conversations with your partner and make sure that you're keeping the lines of communication open.

With a lactation consultant, you can get insight into common complications, help you prepare with the right supplies and technique, and even help you figure out the right flange size for your breast pump so you’re not scrambling while trying to figure it all out in real time. 

With a Pelvic PT, you can work on lengthening your muscles prior to delivery, and take a safe approach to recovery so you can feel confident in your body, doing the things you used to do. 

You can also consider meeting with a postpartum doula or night nanny to help support your recovery and create space for you to rest. 

As Dr. Melissa Dennis says, “I always use the ‘house on fire’ analogy. It is much harder to control things once the whole house is in flames. If we can prevent the fire in the first place, or put out small embers, we will be much more successful.” 

Your postpartum period is likely to be laden with changes and challenges. No matter if it’s your first, fourth, or seventh baby, each new addition means new considerations. Your relationship with your partner will continue to be strong and loving with open communication. There are tools available to help facilitate conversations. With counseling from a behavioral health specialist (talk therapist) or with sexual wellness specific education through services like Rosy Wellness, you can regain your confidence in the bedroom post delivery.